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5:12 AM - Saturday, Jan. 18, 2014 I say that to myself and it kinda makes me angry. I been wasting so much time �in a rut� that I don�t even know what the hell I wanna do with myself anymore? What has happened to me? Or maybe I should ask myself why is it I have not found a goal yet and tried to reach it? This me I�m dealing with is a piece of shit! I mean seriously why in the hell have I let myself get stuck here for so long? I�ve become so lazy and obsessed with making money. I miss traveling and enjoying a movie. I miss hanging out and being a dork with my friends. I miss when I wasn�t uber-paranoid about EVRYTHING. I want my son to know the FUN me. Not this stupid bastard that replaced her. How do I break this cycle of FUN-starvation I have put myself on? I�m getting fat physically but my soul is starving for my old awesomeness! I got to make a goal. Even if it�s just a small one and once I accomplish that I make another small goal. I can�t let my FUN-starvation continue to bring me down. I�m done with this! Damn this is going to be hard I can already feel my fat lazy bastard self getting ready to buck the new thought process but, although weak, my FUNside must fight back. I have to feed it to get stronger. Fat Lazy Bastard Self: You know will have to go outside with Daniel FUNself: I don�t like the thought either but we have to work out�. endorphins makes us happy and all that happy crap we want in our life FLBself: But�.but� FUNself: No buts� we will take baby steps and plenty of naps In all seriousness both sides don�t like the thought of outside time but I have to get out so I can fight off my hermit tendencies. I might enlist a friend. Said friend MUST remind me that FUNself will not get stronger if I backslide. I must enlist as much help as I can unfortunately my dear husband is not that person. I know he will support me but he bulked at the thought of going walking with me the one time I brought it up so yeah no help. He gets huffy when I ask him to bath the kiddo too. What�s up with that shit? Ack! Can�t go there I will start ranting and honestly I want to have a positive rant not a negative one. Maybe next entry. How do I keep motivated? I know where to start but how do I keep going from there? I feel like I am gearing up for a fight. Lots of negative thoughts came rushing to the front of my mind because I used the word fight. I have to fight those and my lethargy. I gotta put on the proverbial gloves and start the fight of my life. First Goal: Go Outside! At least three days out of the week with Daniel for at least an hour. Ok will check back in a week! Maybe sooner since I might really want to rant about my husband
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