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8:00 AM - Saturday, Jan. 18, 2014 I live under a storm cloud of paranoia. Its making my life much harder than it actually is. Take for example my love life. So far it�s been stellar. I use that word because for almost 3 years of it, it was absolute crap. But now I keep waiting for it to be crappy again. I fight that since I like the way it is now but I have said it before I still feel like things are unresolved and it feeds my paranoia. In all honesty it could be that things ARE resolved just not to my satisfaction. Said unsatisfaction makes me critical then I feel bad for being critical and feel like a bad wife then the paranoia of being left sets in. I�m glad I can see it for what it is or I would probably be a huge panic attack waiting to happen. I fight it when it comes up because its only when I think about stuff too much when it does. I don�t ignore it like I used to but sometimes the hubby does things that make me think too hard. For example he does not like giving the kiddo a bath. He tries to hide it but he really does not like to do it. I understand why since the kid can get pretty excited in the bath and waste water EVERYWHERE on EVERYTHING. And since he is hard headed like his dad he doesn�t listen most of the time. Although I understand the dislike I don�t like that he is like that. I take the kid a bath all the time. It�s called �deal with it�. Afterwards he is the cute little wet rugrat we love so why is it like pulling teeth for him when he only does at least once or twice throughout the week. I make sure it�s only on his day off that I ask. Although that is only an example. Resistance to any type of kiddo care makes me angry. But he never fails to have time for the computer. Because we have had issues with the computer before and it has lead us to breaking up in the past, its cause of major annoyance and paranoia. I find myself checking his history at times when paranoia is high. Small things set it off since I find it�s not all the time. Like when he is up really really late but then wakes up and complains how he had no sleep. Those days I surf his history on the comp. It bugs me when I find a new �friend� on his fb that I don�t know. I recently went through his phone and found old pics I wasn�t happy about. I�ll be talking about that with him today cause since I�ve gotten married I don�t really give a shit if he gets mad about me checking him about his stuff. I honestly wish it was just a porn problem since I like porn and wouldn�t mind. My husband is a social butterfly but he has a preference that women are the main ones to pay attention to him. Over the years I have noticed that if he doesn�t get some form of attention from the opposite sex regardless of if he is getting it from me he goes out to seek it and acquires new �friends�. It drives me crazy. He has been really good about it since we have been married though but then he has a wealth of lesbians that work with him that dotes on him or need his advice which is helping for now. I have come to terms with it since he knows how I feel about this. Plus I have changed the way I deal with it. I don�t stay quiet anymore. It works for me to say how I feel and he knows if at any time he crosses the line we are done. There is no try over since he got a chance this time around. Do I think he might or has? Honestly yeah I think he has when we were first together. It�s a gut feeling really and its always been there. I don�t ignore it anymore. I deal with it because I don�t have proof and I married him. If I had proof it would be another story all together. Right now I don�t think anything is going on because I don�t have that gut feeling. The gut feeling is much more powerful then the paranoia because I act on it. I broke up with him because of that gut feeling alongside the fact that he was just not what I needed at the time. Is he what I need now? He is what I want right now. We are good right now because I have conquered my fear of letting my feelings out but a byproduct of that and my own insecurities make my storm cloud rage. Cause I don�t see any of those girls taking my husband, its more me pushing him to them because I�m insecure about myself. Wow that felt kinda good to say. I haven�t really been able to get all this out. Now don�t get me wrong I�m not rationalizing anything. Whether he has or hasn�t mucked around bugs me but I�ve come to realize if I haven�t seen proof yet I won�t take any action. I refuse to let my inner green monster out because not all of it is made up of jealous, some of it is rage from sexual abuse, and any other frustrations I have fed into it. Honestly its calm right now even in light of what I can only guess may have happened in the beginning. For now things are good and he is keeping his word. So I work on getting rid of my storm cloud.
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