3:55 AM - Sunday, Jan. 05, 2014
MUST stay positive
Sometimes I look at the ring on my finger and feel really bad since I have such selfish thoughts. I think about how I don�t want to share things or put up with asinine issues that come up between us. I still love my husband I just don�t want to have to think about his feelings these days. I sometimes feel bad about that. He has done a really good job in trying to be better for himself and for me in our relationship. Have I done all I could do to be better? When I ask myself that question my evil self comes back and ask should I have to? I mean I was carrying him in the beginning and although he has gotten better I�m still doing all I can to make him happy. I think I want him to make up for all the shit he has done and he thinks he HAS because he worked on himself enough for us to be where we are now. It�s a fair assumption but there�s something I want from him that I feel I haven�t yet. I think it�s where all this selfishness is coming from.

I�m finding out that I�m one of those people who don�t want to deal with a lot of shit. I just want to coast thru life and have things come easily to me. I know its idiotic to think that way but I do. I shoulder through the hard shit because I keep hoping that way of life is going to happen. I figure I try hard to handle all the day to day bullshit then at the end of it I will get a long reprieve from stress, problems, issues, and lighter responsibilities.

My naivety knows no bounds since this NEVER happens yet I keep hoping for it.

I think this is making me boring grumpy and antisocial. I�m not ready to be the old mean lady yet but it�s happening more and more every day. I don�t think I have earned it yet but oh do I wish I could just get some sort of reprieve.

I�m striving to be positive this year but old habits of thinking negatively are proving hard to beat down. I told myself I would keep my same resolution from last year since I haven�t gotten it right yet. More positivity and try to be better at socializing again.

The socializing thing is proving to be hard too. I used to be able to call my friends at the drop of a hat just 2 or 3 years ago but now it has become a real struggle. I think about doing I actually pick up the phone to do it then I get cold feet. Thoughts of how they have other friends and they might not really want to talk to me come in to my head. So I put the phone down and do something else. It�s become a wall I�m not sure I�m able to break down. It makes me sad but I just push it to back of my mind because if I let it pile on to everything else it might cause me to get depressed.

Hopefully I will turn all this around and get my reprieve. MUST stay positive.

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