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8:10 AM - Tuesday, Dec. 20, 2011 I hate the holidays! They seem to highlight all the bullshit in my life. I cant seem to enjoy anything these days. well thats not true Daniel is the brightest part of my life but at the moment I'm in such a dark and untrusting place right now. I didnt know I was this angry until yesterday. Its silly right? I mean I have ranted and raved about all the bullshit that has been happening to me in my relationship and with my job but I htink maybe I held back more then I thought. I dont have an outlet I guess. I used to write for that but I'm feeling so low that I cant seem to even work up the want to write it out anymore. Its feels like nothing is working for me and seeing things workout for other people just inspires so much fucking rage I dont know what to do with it. Then I'm one of those people that feel bad for being angry at people for having happiness that I dont have so I try to just push it back and pretend to be ok. I cant pretend to be happy thats not in me but pretending to be ok I can do. At the moment I'm trying so hard not to cry. I'm so fucking tired of crying. I'm so fucking done with issues. I have decided that after I send Alex a Christmas card that I'm done writing him for a little while. I cant keep trying to assure him that I'm here for him when I feel so gotdamn alone. Its not because I miss him that I feel that way its because even though I love him I cant get over the past few months before he went to jail. Shit I dont think I'm over the past two years of bullshit I have gone thru with him and his fucking poptart of a daughter. Its so immature but I hate that she has gotten off with just probation AGAIN. In the mood I'm in I almost wish her bad times for the rest of her life. But you know thats her and her Dad's luck that they get off so fucking easily not ever having to consider they're the reason their lives are fucked up they way they are. They blame everyone us for their fucking problems but you know the fucked up thing? The people who love them go thru so much worse BECAUSE of them and STILL get fucked over by them OVER and OVER again. Then work has fucked me over so many times since this fucked up year started I just hate being here! Underneath everything there is this prevalent jealousy of other people that I hate so much! I hate this feeling because these people dont have it better then me but yet they can be so fucking backstabbing and still get ahead here. I do all the things I am asked and I get fucked over. I been trying to tell myself that where I am at is for the best but you know this bullshit that I'm doing now its not even close to what I can do but I was pushed down so that someone else can fuck up what I kept going. So they can reap all the accolades that my fucking overtime went to and still not know half of the shit they should know yet they are better for the job. All this resentment towards the management of my job and towards my boyfriend and his daughter has really screwed me up. I can honestly say I didnt know what resentment was until these two elements came into my life. I'm having a hell of a time letting go of it. Just thinking about it is making my chest hurt. But screaming and crying dont help. Its not only that now my dad is having problems with the house. By 5pm today we might end up losing our house. Merry fucking christmas right? I pray about all this but I dont feel that working either. So what do I do? I ask that question everyday. I cant afford to leave my job now because my son comes first and I need money to take care of him. I love the man I'm with and I know what I need to do with that situation since I've thrown in my lot with him... I need to be stronger and much more vocal. And if I dont get what I need I HAVE to walk away. I just wish I could let go of this resentment and jealousy and pain. Its tearing me down.
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