|
|
8:16 AM - Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2014 These past few days just getting out of bed has been a chore. Doing anything but watching anime has been a chore. I�m a mom I should not be trying to cloister myself and watch anime all day but it�s what I want to do as soon as I get home. Then once I have did that or the alternative of playing games on my nook I want to sleep all day. I�m neglecting my kid. I don�t play with him enough and I don�t take him outside enough and I just feel completely horrible about it but every time I think about going outside I just feel all my resolve melt into a puddle and I want to run and hide under my covers. You would think I would have help but the help I hoped to have in my husband who LIKES to be outside isn�t there. He is too busy being frustrated over his job, having too much pain all over his body, having too much laundry to do, sinus issues, and whatever else he can come up with. Yes I know I sound like a bad wife BUT if its anything that benefits him he is ready to jump up and go. It also sucks when he tells me he is going to do all kinds of things to fix some of the problems but they don�t happen because his issues are more important. Its kinda sad really because it�s really causing issues in our relationship this need to be so selfish. Or maybe I�m just jealous that he can and I can�t. My son has to come first even if it means I only get 5 hrs of sleep on days I work. The thing that gets me mad though is that he complains that Daniel doesn�t love him as much as he loves me and my parents. It�s hard for me to understand how he doesn�t see he doesn�t spend that much time with Daniel that our son would even think to just go to him. When Alex is home he sits in the room all day. He does maybe 4 things consistently on his days off which is laundry, napping, smoking (A LOT of smoking even though he CLAIMS he has cut down), bitching about being in pain, and napping. It�s already been almost 2 months since we have had a date night and he has NEVER taken care of Daniel on his own without me or the parents being around. When I�m sleep he tries to make sure Daniel has what he wants but if the parents are around it�s not very often. He still bulks at taking him a bath or changing him when he poops. I�m trying to hold on. I�m trying �to keep my grass green� cause I don�t believe in giving up. But am I the only one trying? I�m tired of the same issues cropping up every week because he forgets what he said he would do. I�m tired of all the apologies for the same shit. Sometimes I think I�m just holding on because he made an effort to grow up. But is his growing up enough for me? Am I ignoring that I need more or am I just not speaking up? OR am I putting some of this on my back so I can�t see the reality of the situation, am I trying to be too accepting of bullshit because we�re married? I have way too many questions and too little answers. I don�t complain out loud enough I think. It sounds silly but I really do try to handle the things I feel I can. I don�t really go to Alex unless I cant keep it inside anymore. And then I minimize the shit out of the issues I�m trying to handle because honestly I don�t think he will come thru for me. I don�t have enough faith in him to think he will help. I love him but he is like a teenager. One minute he wants to be grown up the next he is having a huge fit about small shit. I wish he wanted to be a grown up more. There are so many things he doesn�t want to face and it makes it hard for me to go to him for help. Shit half of the time I try really hard not to show any sort of distress so he doesn�t ask me what�s wrong. I do try and check in with him because I don�t want to hold back from him but once I get into what is bothering me he seems to just cut me off and start talking about himself again. I�m finding myself doing like him� explaining too much and not really getting to the point. I HATE that! I don�t want to ramble when I know what my issue is. I feel myself adopting bad habits. I know they are bad habits and the fact that I�m doing them even in my head scares me. I need to be a grown up. I don�t want to regress because it�s just not worth it. My son needs at least one parent who lives in the real world all of the time not for 20% of it. I big reason why I don�t want to give up is because I don�t think I have given my absolute best yet. I�m going thru some things were I�m not happy I don�t have a career I can be proud of, I�m not where I want to be financially, I�m not healthy, and I�m just horrible as a mother. Until I can get a handle on what I want for me I will be dissatified with everything else in my life.
|