1:18 PM - Wednesday, Feb. 02, 2011
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Alright... lest get real with myself here. I been thinking of leaving I been thinking of staying I been thinking i'm fucked up in the head i been thinking that i deserve to try until I cant try anymore.

I been doing not of action I just been thinking way too much. I'm dissatisfied and fed up. Little things dont do it for me anymore. I get scraps. Not only in my personal life but in my work life to. I mean the job I do is not difficult but when i accomplish something I want recognition for it dammit! i want acknowledgment. I dont need fame i dont need a reward but a fucking "job well done" would be fucking awesome.

At home I'm just an idiot! its plain and simple. This is not something I say lightly about myself since I'm very intelligent but this love thing has made me a certifiable idiot. I give and give and give. Whats missing form that? You got it I dont get NOTHING back. I get lame ass words. NO actions behind them just fucking words. Words imploring me to wait until things are better, wait until they feel like it, wait until i can pay attention since something else is more important, WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! But what makes me an idiot I FUCKING WAIT!! I wait until I feel unloved and used. Another part of being the idiot is that I let it happen again. i get used and then i get "oh babe your so great to do this" or "You know I love you" or "Dont do this right now you know I'm going through..." or "Dont say that, its not like that when I said that thats not what I meant" or I only want to hear what my dad has to say" or "I didnt do it, it was not my fault"And I sit there like the idiot and although I argue and fight to be heard I still sit and WAIT for the promise that things will be better.

GOD if you didnt love me like I know you do I would tell myself I hate me right now. I dont hate them just me for putting my heart and mind and body into two people who could give a shit less. But I know you love me so I'm gonna overcome this but the situation has to change and I have to keep telling myself that. And it doesnt matter what it changes to because in the end either it gets better so I can be or it gets better because I had to go. I'm letting you lead the way GOD. I'm not going to fight the one who TRULY loves me all of me. I'm honestly tired of fighting. I want to live not wait anymore.

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