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12:53 AM - Sunday, Aug. 08, 2021
So I been thinking about past shit and I just thought about how I was back I first got with m y ex husband. The reason for this is I saw an interesting tiktok that said something too the effect that I can get past old shit if ONE I don’t look at it and TWO if I don’t actually look at as the person I am now as opposed to the person I was then. I was like well shit I’m trying to do this healing thing and I never thought to really look at it that way. So I was like what was I thinking back then in my whoring late 20s and it was just about getting what I can get really. Emotionally and sexually. I wasn’t really thinking abut how it would be to actually be in a relationship since somewhere deep down I never thought anyone would want more than a fuck with me anyway. PLUS at the forefront of my mind I was hoping for the romance but giving up the ass like it was on sale. Then I met Moorefield and I was like sure why not I seriously didn’t see myself having more with this man then sexual relations but then he alluded to being together and I fell for it hook line and sinker. In my limited exposure I knew nothing about romance except what I read in books and I was just beguiled by him. And when I go deeper I was genuinely surprised I found someone who wanted more with me then just sex. From there I was just determined to keep the first one who ever wanted me as an actual girlfriend then a wife.

Thankfully I wised up it just took some years and now we are divorced and not speaking. March 24 2021 was the best day EVER! But yeah I’m getting of track so I’m trying to heal from that and all the other situationships I put myself through after that. I really been thinking about all this free ass I been giving out and why I didn’t respect myself more and I can only come down to the fact that I really didn’t like myself. It’s a crazy thing because when I started all this self love stuff I thought I cared about myself but the further I got into it I didn’t even like myself. I still have a hard time answering what the hell I even like about myself much less love. The answers are sometimes things I hate I have to do to be this person I think I should be.

So self love says there is a lot of healing I have to do. At this stage which is still pretty much the beginning I’m just barely getting to the point that I’m not tired of hearing about healing myself. I hated it in the beginning because I didn’t understand. What was the shit I needed to heal? How do I heal? I was so fucking frustrated with it but the point of the damn sell love was so I could be a better mom. I felt I was too distant from my kids that I was becoming absent even though I was there. I worried so badly about this that I made myself sick over it. I read and read and read until I was like fuck you self love but that lasted for like 30 minutes and I told myself to keep going. The things that I have been realizing have been just overwhelming at times and I haven’t scratched the surface of me yet. But I can really look at myself in the mirror now not just glance to make sure I don’t look bad when I go out I can sit and really look at myself and not think I’m ugly. Its been painful honestly. I WANT to love myself already I’m tired of the soul searching and revelations and scary habits I have that I didn’t know were bad.

But I started this so I would be closer to my sons. They are my everything and so I make myself stay the course. I trying so hard to stop trying to find love outside of me. So no more free ass I’m worthy and deserving of more than that.


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