11:07 AM - Thursday, Nov. 19, 2015
Gotta turn the page
Hopefully by the time I read this again I will have stopped all communication with my soon to be ex-husband unless it is about our kids.

I realized that being friendly was not going to work. Nothing horrible has happened if anything we are in a better place since I threw him out a couple of weeks ago. If I'm honest with myself I knew this would happen. He didn't want the responsibility of a wife and kids although he asked me to marry him and he said he was ok with having more kids. But I was yet again the fool because I should have been believing in his actions not his words.

Now that he is "free" he is more happy then he was when he was here with me. This is why I have to break off all contact with him. It hurts so much to see that being free of us has made his "depression" less of an issue. Its hard to hear him talk about his bachelor pad and how he gets to spend a whole day off just watching TV. Its even worse when he tells you that he doesn't want to give up on his marriage, tells you he wants to take you on a date, then not a few days later tells you the date can be a movie he illegally downloaded at his new digs.

Its like he reduced me to a fucking booty call.

My heart yet again wanted to believe the words but I'm so glad my brain bitch-slapped me into the present. It told me remember this is how we got here in the first place a few well placed words and a good fuck.

Communication wipeout is called for unless he is asking about the kids which might stop happening if he sees he wont be getting me in the mix. Its a sad truth but I'm not sugarcoating anything for myself anymore. this man has taken enough of me. I have given too much to not get what I need in return.

I have thought on some other things long and hard. I've been way too accepting of bullshit. Its like I just calmed up and told myself to wait it out. Well no more waiting. I'm going to deal with all this stupid baggage and just be amazing to myself. I still believe there is someone out there for me but I need to really concentrate on why I'm was willing to accept this man's shit for so long.

That's where my brain and my heart will be focusing on... working on myself. I need to get right in my head so that from now on I can be good to myself and my kids.

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