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3:55 AM - Sunday, Nov. 08, 2015 It pisses me off he didn’t choose to stay. It’s how our relationship has been going from the beginning. I chose him but he doesn’t choose me. He wants to keep me but he doesn’t choose to love me. He says it a lot but he doesn’t mean it. His actions show me that. Yet every single time I have broke up with him I have ran back to him. I wish I could say it was because I was scared to be alone and all that other stuff. I wish it was for those reasons not the I loved him one. But I did! I swallowed my pride and took the SOB back 3 times! And I had to build him up at those times even though ALL 3 times I had legit reasons to break things off. Reasons he caused but HE was so hurt by me REJECTING him! And now I truly want him to choose me but his actions are showing he won’t. It pisses me off. I have been amazing to him even in my time of need I catered to him. I internalized all my shit because he wouldn’t listen to my needs and fears. I listened to his frustrations, wants, needs, struggles, and LIES. The few times I really needed him to be there he acted like a BITCH and wussed out. But since he is a man who can’t even be there for his kids I should have expected this. I hate giving up on something I want so badly but I’m pretty certain I need to step back. There has to be something wrong when I KNOW for a fact this man isn’t ever going to choose me over himself yet I keep hoping for it. Maybe somewhere in me it’s a sick challenge I took on. I just gotta figure that out. At this time I just want to kick him in the balls then while he is down kick him in the kidneys.
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