3:53 AM - Saturday, Dec. 06, 2014
What do I want now?
I have no idea what I want anymore. I wish I could say I always have but I really cant. I thought I wanted a husband so I could have a family.�It's turning out that if I could I would run away with my children just to get rid of all the responsibilites it comes with being a wife to a self absorbed person.
�
I'm pretty exhausted and feeling like I am falling out of love. I have been through so many emotions these past few years but now all I feel is exhaustion and anger. I can say that I feel love for my husband but its just changing and lately the love has been overshadowed by hurt and anger.
�
I have to get a handle on the anger though. I dont want all these crazy feelings to cause trouble for my unborn kiddo or even my son who wants to be around me all the time. I want to be happy...I still want to be happy with him but I dont think I want to let him in anymore. I'm tired of disappointment and apologies.
�
The other night he told me he was letting me into his fears but he stonewalled on everything he said he was trying to open up about. Maybe I didnt make it very easy since alot of the things he was saying sounded like nonsense but in the end I tried to listen. I say tried because in the back of my mind I couldnt see his ranting as him talking about his fears. He said he wanted me to listen but then would get upset if I didnt comment on what he was saying. When I did comment he wanted to be condescending or show his intelligence. He even had the nerve to blame me for him not being able to eat because he didnt like what I was telling him and it upset his stomach.
�
I dont want to take anymore chances with my heart. I have turned away from the one I thought I would never do that to. I dont want to share anything with him anymore. I dont want to see him smile when I give him something that made me think of him. He isnt the first person I want to see when I wake up. All those amazing things I felt, even when we were going through hell, I just dont feel it anymore. Maybe I am just cutting the feelings�off so I can stop being hurt by his insensitivity. I dont really want to put anymore thought into it anymore but its ALL I�CAN think about. I used to try�to figure out how I can make it better now I just want to figure out how to avoid him through the day so I can get some peace.
�
I'm so excited about my new kiddo but I dont feel that excitement from him. Sure I understand he my process it differently but its the same feeling I had when I was preggers with our first kid. He is detached from the whole thing. In a way it makes him detached from me too. Its hurtful. It was hurtful in the past and its hurtful now.
�
Sometimes I thnk if I push him away hard enough he'll leave me and I'll be free. That's how exhausted I am of this whole relationship. I'm hurt and I have been hurt and I have tried to fight. I dont want to fight if the other party isnt fighting for the relationship too.He tells me he doesnt want to let me go but he doesnt show it. Its always so many empty words. I tell him I need him to show me but then he says he doesnt understand what I mean or he doesnt know how to be romantic. I explain and I try to explain in a way that he understands I want to feel like I'm special to him. I dont need this all the time just every once in a while. He trys once things are good and then he goes right back to the same old thing.
�
I'm not up to the fight anymore. These last few days have rung it out of me. In my heart I want him to fight but in his mind he doesnt have to because he has me.
�
The cycle has run its course. I just have to get my shit together and let go.

previous - next