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2:59 PM - Saturday, May. 04, 2013
Pointless
Dear Diary,

I got hitched and it was nice. I'm pretty happily married. I dont have any complaints about that. My husband is still the same guy but different. He has definitely grown in major areas of our relationship and in others he still needs some growing to do. BUT I cant say he is the only one. I need to get better at saying what I want even if it seems like i'm being a money-grubbing slut.

Would it really hurt to buy me flowers or a card for my birthday? Will I get anything but an "I love you" for Mother's day?

I'm really going thru some stress lately and it might make me either stroke out or have a heartattack way too young. I keep telling myself I need to get off my ass and get in shape but I'm so stressed with trying to get my kid to behave to trying to deal with other peoples problems. Just dealing with the fact that I have not had a home to call my own for a year now is driving me to snack on sugar. I have thoughts of drowning my sorrows in lovely alcohol but sugar seems to do it for me.

I feel washed out... I have no purpose. Or rather I have plenty of purpose but nothing exciting that is just for me. I love my kid I love my spouse but I need something thats just all mine. I cant seem to find it though. Its making me a little depressed too. I want something to be passionate about again.

I hate being in a rut. In my head i keep hearing a small voice that tells me to write but I never have time to myself anymore. I appreciate my brothers but I honestly NEED a place of my own. Let's just say I'm tired and need to go home.

I feel like a failure because I havent been able to find a place. But maybe I'm just not trying hard enuogh.... do you see where the stress is coming from diary? Its all me! I tell myself I'm not trying hard enough, I'm just not any good at anything I try to do for myself, hell I cant even find something to be passionate about anymore! Its so frustrating. I just want something good to happen in regards to me getting right with myself.

Hell I'm just not trying hard enough... that has to be the problem.

Hoping for the universe to help me win the lottery. Although it feels pointless to hope I keep buying a ticket.

 

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