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1:59 a.m. - 2001-08-13 Hmmmm well I have something to say but I'm not really sure how to say it.........ok I guess I should just lay it out for myself maybe then it will make sense and I can finally stop thinking about it. It all kinda came back to me when I saw this guy in a Naval uniform about two days ago. I mean I was totally admiring the way he looked how it fit him and stuff becuz they guy did not look too bad in what he had on and plus he was my friend's next door neighbor so I was you know thinking I could get the hook-up or something then it hit me.........it's been almost a year since I have heard from my best friend the guy I'm convinced that I'm "in love" with. After that I didn't want to even look at the guy anymore. All I wanted to do was remember my friend and how good it felt to see him two years ago when he came to visit from the Navy and how nice it was just to hug him and know that he was ok and that he was doing so well. I remember the first time I got a letter from him when I was in school and I almost cried becuz I was so proud of him and so happy that he was proud of himself. Why was I so proud becuz before he went into the Navy he was so depressed and even thought of killing himself once or twice back when we were in high school. I loved him then too but I still could not tell him and when he told me he had wanted to commit suicide.....sorry to be a little dramatic but, my heart stopped and I cried so badly that it scared me becuz I had never felt like that about anybody and at first I put it down to the fact that he was one of my best friends but I knew it was more then that. And now I swear I'm just fixated with(or on)him or something like that........I mean this has gone to far I mean by now I should be over these crazy feelings and I have not thought about the boy in months but as soon as I started to think about him I couldn't stop and I keep telling myself this is just some weird longlasting infatuation that I just can't seem to shake but FUCK I don't know what it is..... So I got home and I wrote him a long letter asking him how he is and what he has been up to.....and telling him that I miss him and that I want to hear from him. It gets sent tomorrow and I hope I hear from him. I sat up last night listening to music wondering about him, remembering how he was in high school, noticing how much he changed that day I saw him and wondering why I still have such deep feelings when I have not heard from him in like a year. And you know what the silliest thing is I have never told him my feelings EVER! Well I tried to once in a letter and I sent it to him but I never knew if he got it. *sighs* So I sat up last night thinking about him wondering about how much he has changed knowing that I would not care becuz I expect change since everybody changes over a period of time. Whats so weird is that I know in my heart that these feelings won't go away and believe me I have tried really heard to get rid of them and only ended up hurting myself by the ways I did try. So I learned a while back not to fight them but I know he is not the one for me but yet the feelings presist
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