2:07 a.m. - 2001-08-01
Ex
Lordy I hate my ex!! He is online right now........I want to cuss him out so bad but I won't. Becuz first of all that is so stupid and childish although it would make me feel good, second it would make me seem like I have not gotten over how he hurt me which I have. My hate for him is the same as it is for my brother I only hate him when I see him or in this instance see him online. I guess it can't really be labeled hate it's much more like me wanting to be mean but if I was feeling any other way I would ignore the dude completely. I'm just really in the mood to be mean and who better then my ex to be mean to. He lied to me plenty of times saying that he loved me but that is the is a common story but what is so bad is I never believed him.

Why? becuz I knew his feelings did not run as deep as he said but I accepted his lies becuz I wanted to believe becuz I wanted love so bad so when he ended up telling me the truth I was hurt more becuz of my own stupidity then anything else. So in truth most of this was my fault but I had warned him about toying with me. I told him I rather him be honest about everything then worrying about hurting my feelings. And I know now it seems like he may have tried to protect my feelings but thats not how it went down it's more like he was telling me anything he could to get me into bed and I went for it becuz I thought there was stronge feelings and for the fact I had not had any for a long time. I think it was more me wanting sex that he got any in the first place but oh well.

I won't lie and say thats the only reason we had sex becuz it wasn't but it is the main reason. I like sex alot and when I want it I ususally get it. I'm not trying to sound conceited it just the truth. I don't need to feel strong emotion for a guy before I have sex with them. But I did for him so I expected alot and was left wanting more then I got which convinced me even more that we were not meant but I still wanted to be with him. But he ended it and I broke up with him.

Pretty sappy huh? oh well I try not to dwell on it. It happened a while back and I'm just feeling really pissy about. I never really loved him, in fact even when I was with him I was thinking of someone else but I knew I could never be with that other guy. I even think deep in my heart that I love this guy that he will always be there in my head when I go off and find someone to marry. I have loved him for a long time. I'm barely starting to admit that to myself, it took me a long ass time too. But he will never love me the way I love him so I leave that shit alone too. I just happy i can admit it to myself.

Love scares me sometimes, not becuz I'm scare I will never have it.........it's just you have too much at stake. I like risks and I'm not saying I would not risk for love but I hate to be hurt so I avoid things that could hurt me........I guess thats why I can just accept this guy could never love me back and why I never believed my ex when he told me he loved me.

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