Explosive

Monday, Oct. 26, 2009 @ 11:40 AM

you know? I am full of ugliness for my fellow man today

i want to kick punch scream and kick someone..... ANY one.

I'm just mad and exhausted.

I need .... something lol

I would say to get drunk but since I see someone drink themselves into stupors when they are feeling low or sad or upset or mad i think me and alcohol might not be friends anymore. I hate feeling out of control and thats what I see being drunk as. When I am in a controlled enviroment around people I trust I can let myself get drunk... not drunk enough not tp be able to take care of any one who was with me but just enough to feel good.

These if he is drinking I'm not. Or if I am its cuz we are at home or around people I know and even then I'm slowing down when i get a buzz so I can be sober when it comes time to drive us home. Plus me being drink makes me want to say things I purposely keep to myself.

Why do I keep these things? Becuz I'm pretty damn coldhearted and in reality I dont like to hurt people's feelings. In my head I'm happy to spout these angry, mean, and disheartening words since it makes me feel better. But telling the person and hurting them so I can feel better isnt always very appealing. When I'm drinking its appealing cuz I lose control and my conscience. When this happens I dont usually mean the apology I might say the next day since its how I feel or felt and I dont like being insincere either. So its easier to keep those cold-hearted words and feelings inside.

Too much feels jumbled up.... my feelings are being ignored so everyone else can be happy and frankly I'm about to blow up becuz of it. its my own fault I know but that doesnt help keeping the explosion at bay.

I am April, but usually I'm called Lexi, Zan, or Apple. I'm 28 now.

I am located in Texas.

Love status: Taken

Loves: Anime, History, GUYS, Books, Movies

Hates: bitches, backstabbers, liars